I'M NOT DEAD.

Hey guys,

I randomly thought of my blog this morning. Looked at some of my older blog posts, and after reading them, saved a copy to my hard drive and deleted each one. Kinda makes me uneasy seeing what I wrote a little over a year ago, how bad of shape I was in mentally.

A lot has changed since early last year. I guess you could say I've gotten my shit straight to some extent (shitstraighttosomeextent, shitstraighttosomeextent; say that over and over and your head may explode). I definitely feel better about life. I'm still working at Legacy, holding down the fort or whatever. Still working IT, still being awesome.

Matt moved back in a few months ago. Looking back on our past, I sometimes find it hard to believe he came back around. For the longest time, I kept myself convinced that I had done nothing wrong in our relationship, and that I deserved better. The reality is we could have been great together, but I was way too unstable. I never treated him as well as he deserved, which made him treat me poorly. When he lived with me, he had no privacy. If I heard him typing on his keyboard, I would panic thinking he was talking to another woman, and start trying to read what he'd typed. When he wanted to go out with his friends, I would throw a fit to keep him home. I constantly complained about everything he did, driving, chores, etc. My insanity and lack of self-esteem had to have drove him crazy.

It wasn't until late last year that I realized what had happened, and I realized what caused all of my mental issues. The doctor I was seeing had prescribed me Adderall, Wellbutrin, Lortab and a sedative (I can't remember the name of it right now). Mixing all of those medications together made me super unstable, and instead of noticing what I was doing to myself, noticing how I was changing, I thought that I never changed, and that everyone around me was acting different. I know Matt wasn't the only person that had to deal with my insanity. I'm sure most of the people that I treated poorly won't see this blog, but if you are reading this and I was ever shitty to you, I'm sorry.

Anyways, I better get back to work. Sorry for the excessive amount of commas in some of those sentences. This was mostly a "omg I have to get this out of my brain and onto digital paper" blog post.